Notice

[pez]

I've just defriended 39 journals.



I admit I am far from being the best person out there. I don't talk to most people on my flist. But I make a point to read their entries, particularly the RL ones. And when I see somebody isn't doing quite well, as long as I have some good advice to give, I'd still post a comment even if we haven't talked for eternity. I do try to be a friend to people. And I hope to be treated the same.

Many things have changed for me in the last few months. I've become stressed and upset a lot of the time, and for me, my journal is my outlet. Yes, I write a lot of funny things, post drawings, photos and bits of writing, but essentially, this journal is about /me/. And people I list on my journal as friends, I really do treat as friends, not just "somebody who reads my LJ and whose LJ I read". What I say in this journal, as long as isn't under private-lock, is meant for myself and my friends to read.

Consider this: things have been difficult for you in the last few months. One day, you finally caved and broke down. You make a post about it, and nobody in your 68-strong friends list ask after you in any way, be it by LJ comment, text message, IM, phone, anything.

If you've been feeling that your friends have no time for you, this just confirms that feeling, doesn't it?

This, from last Sunday, more-or-less did it for me. For a long time I had this feeling that I am just people's entertainment, because people read and reply to my cracky things but disappear at other times. People don't even stop to give me a pet on the back when I post good news. Every time I say something serious, whether I include details or not, I get a punishing silence in return.

Yes, perhaps even with my smaller flist, I'd still get no reply if I say I'm stressed and upset and want to kill something. But to get silence from 29 people still feels better to get it from 68, right?

I need friends. I need support. I need people who have time in their lives for me. Yes, much of these are accusations, but it is how I am feeling right now.

I guess what I want to say is that, this is not a fandom journal.

I've defriended loads of people. Loads and loads of people. The people who are nice but never talk to me. The people who are nice and occasionally talk to me. Even the people who I like. Even the people who have recently said things to me and offered their help with buying things. The whole exercise was nearly indiscriminate.

I will add people back, but only those who are prepared to be friends with me. People who genuinely will share my happiness, tell me when I've fucked up, and give support when I need it.

If, after reading all this, you want to be my friend, please comment. If not, well we'll still be playing with each other in RPs and there are no hard feelings at all. Don't feel obliged to reply, please really, really consider. I am a high-maintenance person. It'd only hurt more if it turns out you don't have the time for me afterall. I am not expecting many replies at all. Please don't reply with apologies, or if you don't agree with what I said, please just leave me alone; don't say anything. I only want to know who, if anyone, I should be friending back.


[edit] This journal is not turning friends-only. So even if you are not on my flist anymore and don't want to be added back, you are still welcomed to comment on my posts in the future.

[edit 2] More here.

Comments

[genkischuldich.livejournal.com]

Ah, sorry, I guess I haven't been paying much attention to my flist these past few weeks. Just good luck and take care, I guess, and I hope it gets better for you.

[mirichan.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I wish I could say Me Me Me... but even though I sincerely do like you, I just am not around enough anymore to be able to say "yes, you could rely on me" because truth of the matter is... I'm not. I work now (after 2 years off work) and I'm out of the house and LJ incommunicado (and Gmail incommunicado too since both are bloqued at work) for over 10 hours minimum (I leave at 8:00 and come back at 6:00 at the earliest). Out of the 5 hours left before my brain shut down and I must go to bed, I have to eat, read my emails, my friends' LJs (and yes, yours is in my default view), check for new anime, manga, news, try to watch some anime (rather behind at the moment), etc...

Also, and more to the point... I often don't know what's going on... be it age or culture, I have no idea, but sometimes I find people entries are confusing; like they are living on drama-angsting and 15 minutes later they're okay... but I can't bounce back that easily so I often try to avoid getting mixed in just in case I end up all shook up over things that you guys forgot 10 minutes later. Now if it seems to be serious matters, I hope I will notice and will try to help or at least listen... but by then? You're most of the time in bed sleeping due to the hours difference... Maybe, if you really want to have one-on-one serious discussions with online friends aside from fandom and fangirling, you should do like what I (and others, I'm sure, as done) and is create "sekrit" filters... aka tight filters with just a few of those most trusted friends and hopefully this tight little group of people will be able to be there for you. I've done that (and MY sekrit filter is extremely tight and consist mostly of people my age/experience who can see where I'm coming from) and I've got the support from them that I might not have had otherwise.

Sorry if it's not what you wanted to hear... but as I said, time is limited now but I will try to notice when you have what seems to be a real need for an attentive ear or a shoulder to cry on... and be there. Even if belated or only being able to give you a virtual hug.

[sharona1x2.livejournal.com]

I'm not really sure how to reply. I guess what I want most to say is that you have to do what makes you happiest. If you feel that a smaller list is going to make you more comfortable, then you should do it. Life is full of enough stress.

I went back to your posts from Sunday. (I was away that weekend and didn't try to get caught up in LJ.) I have to be honest that I didn't realize how upset you were. If it's the post I think it is, it was so short, and I didn't know how serious it was. I'm very sorry. Sometimes, you have to not be too subtle with me. I don't pick up on clues very easily.

I'll do my best to be here when you need some support and/or encouragement, but I won't make promises because I don't want to disappoint you. That's the best I can offer anyone on my flist. I hope it's enough. *HUGS*

[verily.livejournal.com]

It's entirely up to you what you do since it is your lj after all. I'd like to stay in touch even though I don't talk to you much or really, at all, but I am interested and do care about keeping up with you.

Don't want to use the excuse that I've been on hiatus until recently, but yeah. It's still your journal and the choice is up to you in the end. But I'll still offer you lots of hugs no matter what.

[sinistera.livejournal.com]

I do read most of your entries, but usually, I just don't know what to say other than maybe a hug, but some people don't want just that--in fact, they dislike it--so what happens is that I've learned to keep my mouth shut on most times.

I don't care if you refriend me or not, but this comment is here to let you know that I'll listen and support you if you need me too, even though my support probably wouldn't be that helpful.

[thirdshade.livejournal.com]

Nothing useful to say (I'm so sucky at this). Just that I'm still on/by your side; and, thank you for the trust.

[aishuu.livejournal.com]

...I don't know what to say. Do as you like, I do read. I'm just very poor at commenting.

[lechaco.livejournal.com]

Can't really say anything other than, I read but I don't usually comment on rl stuff because I don't feel like I have the right to do that. However, I enjoy what you post so I will keep you on my flist. If you don't want that, drop me a note. :) Best of luck.

[caffeinic.livejournal.com]

I'd like to stay if you'll have me.

[lelola.livejournal.com]

Your LJ is yours and yours alone. I have no right to comment here, since I'm one of those people who never comments (I'm usually not sure what to say, or even if it's my place to say anything at all). I never even posts in my own journal. Without IM programs, and all, I fail at online interaction. I can't be the type of LJ friend you want and need, and you realized that a long time ago. I'm sorry.

I can understand your frustration though. It's perfectly natural and understandable.

You took me off your flist a long time ago. That's fine with me. I'll continue to read your public entries as long as you'll let me. ^^

[pyroh.livejournal.com]

I know that I don't put in the effort to stay involved in people's lives. I always fade out, but that doesn't mean I'm not reading anymore or that I stopped caring. I'm just very uncommunicative >_>; I won't ask you to take me back, cause I definitely don't want to hurt you, but if it's alright, I'd like to keep you friended and continue reading your public stuff.

does this make any sense?

[farohji.livejournal.com]

i suck with words, so i apologize in advance.

i do get where you're coming from. i feel that way, but i tend to go off on a whole 'nother track with the theory "if no one can comment, then i won't be upset if no one does!" which isn't really the best idea, but human nature *shrugs*

in addition to sucking with words, i suck with emotions too! most people that have actually gotten really close to me can attest to that. i'm bad with support. think of me as a strong silent type maybe? a lot of times i'll see people upset in a post, but i feel leaving a comment is too impersonal and simply sounds repetitive and unhelpful. since that's how it tends to feel to me. that doesn't mean i don't fret stupidly over most of my flist, yourself included.

since i don't really have a point, and it's late, i think i'll leave it at that. it's your lj and your choice, do what you think's best for you.

[factorielle.livejournal.com]

Lots of things I'd like to say, and a good part of them tend towards the disagreeing, and you said you didn't want that. At any rate, this is probably not the place for it, so I hope to catch you on messenger sometime when I'm back.

So for now... I know I haven't been available much. for whatever reasons; for that I apologize. It was a great relief to se that I was part of those you kept, and I'll definitely to my best in the future to be worthy of it.

Much love, Pez. Hope I'll get to talk to you soon. <3

[spiritaway.livejournal.com]

Umm.. Ahhh,.. I still like you no mstter what^^

[sardius.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

There are always times when we need support, and I'm sorry I haven't been around for you. One of the reason is because I feel as though I do not know you well enough to give you the support and advices you need. Sometimes, I read your entries, but yet they do not convey a lot of what had happened to you, so I'm afraid to say something pointless.

I can't make you any promises, because I know I won't be able to keep them. I'll try my best to give you the support you need, even just sending a virtual hug. It maybe just words, but believe it or not they MAKE a differences.

You know, I'm always on MSN 99% of the time. Despite the fact we're hours apart, I know our cultural background maybe quite similar, and I might be able to understand your problems. If you ever feel the need to speak to me, my id is in my info page.

Take care.

[vicky-guu-sama.livejournal.com]

sorry i wasn't there.....i was in barcelona.......:(

[scribblemoose]

Sorry I didn't reply - three reasons: 1) I wasn't in a happy place myself; 2) I find it hard to read and respond to my flist and I confess I sometimes have to skim and consequently miss things just because I don't have the time to give everyone of my friends the attention they deserve; and 3) I don't know you very well, so I wasn't quite sure whether it would seem out of turn for me to comment on more personal matters - I've got into problems that way before.

But if you do ever need a cyberhug or a sympathetic shoulder to cry on in the future, prod me. I would never want you to assume my silence was due to my not caring - you're a sweet person and I most certainly care. *hug*