I wasn't going to post this XD
Apr. 19th, 2005 09:50 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
pezVLP!Tezuka thingy. There are no spoilers, but don't read if you think knowing all about him will make him boring to you later.
Oh and this thing ends abruptly because that's when I had to switch the comp off and get off the train XD
Tezuka doesn't remember the first time he learned from his parents what he is. Although feeders are usually born only once every few generations, it happened that Tezuka's great grandfather had been a feeder, and so his parents knew at least enough to educate their child. He has grown up being told that vampires are... strange creatures, but because you have what they need, normally there is nothing to fear about them. Normally.
Humans have laws; vampires have rules. They are proud creatures who will not abuse feeders for their blood because it would make them look like mere humans, driven by only greed and desire, and they are too proud to do that. They may not be the most caring of creatures, but in a sense, to be with them is, if not better, at least safer than to be in the human society.
Tezuka has never quite understood fully what his parents has always said to him, but he has accepted meeting the vampires as an eventuality, not a possibility. When he was finally broken, despite not in a setting he had hoped for, he still felt relieved. At that point, his parents had already died, and the area where he lived was proposed to be redeveloped, so to him, his meeting with Niou was timely.
Moving into the clan was a strange event. Until much later, Tezuka had never met Yukimura, but he had seen Fuji on several occasions, and like many in the clan, vampires or not, Fuji represents an entity of fear to him. To Tezuka, it isn't the sort of fear because Fuji might catch him doing something wrong, it isn't even the fear of pain and death; it is the fear of being seen right through, as if every time those blue eyes look at him, they strip him of every emotional defense, leaving behind only the raw, pathetic self Tezuka often feels he is.
In terms of pride, it's difficult to say if Tezuka is proud or not. He is sensitive, both physically and emotionally, and he feels this makes him weak and vulnerable. It makes him needy and he despises this side of himself. Hiding all of this becomes his daily practice, until a hard, yet immensely brittle shell has formed around him. Whether this could be called pride, it's hard to say.
Tezuka often looks at the greater picture. He understands too well his insignificance in the greater scheme of things, and always tells those around him to not worry about him because there are more important things they should be tending to. But deep in his psyche he wants to be wanted. In a sense, he wants to be told he is wrong, that he is loved, although if anyone really tries to do this, it would appear that Tezuka never takes the words to heart, because he has simply gotten too used to saying "I'm fine." and just push, push, and push people away.
One can say Tezuka is caught in his own lies. Say something enough times and you start to believe in it. Half of the time it isn't about being selfless, but that he is afraid of being seen as demanding and attention-seeking. The only way he allows himself to gain attention is by giving and giving some more. Later on when he tries to tackle this problem, he will struggle to become "suitably selfish" and during that time, it may be difficult to deal with or get used to him. Of course he enjoys the act of giving and seeing people enjoy what he gives, too. Tezuka is a believer of "to give is more fortunate than to receive".
Leaving the clan is another turning point in his life. Like Yukimura had said, Tezuka isn't beyond help, but only he can save himself. His carefully hidden depression has prevented his own body from healing and he understands that only by going away may he start to learn to treasure himself once again because, he knows, it is impossible to be loved if one doesn't love oneself first. He can't expect anyone to care about him if he wouldn't care about himself.
Niou's silence during this period is both relieving and torturous to Tezuka. Perhaps he is looking for a chance to tell his breaker that enough is enough, so that he can feel he has finally gotten over this, but the opportunity never came. Yagyuu's silence though, is probably more punishing. Tezuka respects Yagyuu because the vampire has more-or-less taken him under his wing when his sire failed to do so. Yagyuu represents a voice of reason, rationality, or perhaps even sanity, in this community of carefully controlled chaos. To Tezuka, Yagyuu's silence means the vampire is finally so fed up with him that he has been disowned.
At some point during his journeys, sadness becomes frustration, which then turns into anger, because of Niou's irresponsible actions and his own devotion to the breaker, which still hasn't gone away completely, making him also angry at himself. Unable to take this out on anyone, Tezuka turns to the gym and works out this stress before it builds enough to kill him. But unlike many people who would show off their hard-earned muscles, Tezuka doesn't think much of them or try to show them to anyone, being modest in nature. He does not own any clothing that is particularly revealing or tight. In fact, his fitness is only a result of stress which he needs to work off, so he feels there is nothing to be proud of.
Sexually, Tezuka is nothing more than the average human man. It may seem that, because of his looks, he can have many lovers and he probably can, but he has only ever gone to bed with a few people. His experience is only moderate, and male lovers are few and far between. As he tries to find and define himself, it may be that he discovers the power of his sexuality and uses it to his advantage until he finds the balance.
Although confident on the outlook, Tezuka always feel socially inept, and stupid amongst groups of people. He speaks little both because he is indeed a little stoic, and that he worries he may accidentally say something stupid that may upset someone or make people laugh at him. He prefers smaller settings with those he is comfortable with - which /may/ actually include Fuji, because he has high respects for Fuji particularly after Fuji dealt with the matter on his attack by several vampires.
Oh and this thing ends abruptly because that's when I had to switch the comp off and get off the train XD
Tezuka doesn't remember the first time he learned from his parents what he is. Although feeders are usually born only once every few generations, it happened that Tezuka's great grandfather had been a feeder, and so his parents knew at least enough to educate their child. He has grown up being told that vampires are... strange creatures, but because you have what they need, normally there is nothing to fear about them. Normally.
Humans have laws; vampires have rules. They are proud creatures who will not abuse feeders for their blood because it would make them look like mere humans, driven by only greed and desire, and they are too proud to do that. They may not be the most caring of creatures, but in a sense, to be with them is, if not better, at least safer than to be in the human society.
Tezuka has never quite understood fully what his parents has always said to him, but he has accepted meeting the vampires as an eventuality, not a possibility. When he was finally broken, despite not in a setting he had hoped for, he still felt relieved. At that point, his parents had already died, and the area where he lived was proposed to be redeveloped, so to him, his meeting with Niou was timely.
Moving into the clan was a strange event. Until much later, Tezuka had never met Yukimura, but he had seen Fuji on several occasions, and like many in the clan, vampires or not, Fuji represents an entity of fear to him. To Tezuka, it isn't the sort of fear because Fuji might catch him doing something wrong, it isn't even the fear of pain and death; it is the fear of being seen right through, as if every time those blue eyes look at him, they strip him of every emotional defense, leaving behind only the raw, pathetic self Tezuka often feels he is.
In terms of pride, it's difficult to say if Tezuka is proud or not. He is sensitive, both physically and emotionally, and he feels this makes him weak and vulnerable. It makes him needy and he despises this side of himself. Hiding all of this becomes his daily practice, until a hard, yet immensely brittle shell has formed around him. Whether this could be called pride, it's hard to say.
Tezuka often looks at the greater picture. He understands too well his insignificance in the greater scheme of things, and always tells those around him to not worry about him because there are more important things they should be tending to. But deep in his psyche he wants to be wanted. In a sense, he wants to be told he is wrong, that he is loved, although if anyone really tries to do this, it would appear that Tezuka never takes the words to heart, because he has simply gotten too used to saying "I'm fine." and just push, push, and push people away.
One can say Tezuka is caught in his own lies. Say something enough times and you start to believe in it. Half of the time it isn't about being selfless, but that he is afraid of being seen as demanding and attention-seeking. The only way he allows himself to gain attention is by giving and giving some more. Later on when he tries to tackle this problem, he will struggle to become "suitably selfish" and during that time, it may be difficult to deal with or get used to him. Of course he enjoys the act of giving and seeing people enjoy what he gives, too. Tezuka is a believer of "to give is more fortunate than to receive".
Leaving the clan is another turning point in his life. Like Yukimura had said, Tezuka isn't beyond help, but only he can save himself. His carefully hidden depression has prevented his own body from healing and he understands that only by going away may he start to learn to treasure himself once again because, he knows, it is impossible to be loved if one doesn't love oneself first. He can't expect anyone to care about him if he wouldn't care about himself.
Niou's silence during this period is both relieving and torturous to Tezuka. Perhaps he is looking for a chance to tell his breaker that enough is enough, so that he can feel he has finally gotten over this, but the opportunity never came. Yagyuu's silence though, is probably more punishing. Tezuka respects Yagyuu because the vampire has more-or-less taken him under his wing when his sire failed to do so. Yagyuu represents a voice of reason, rationality, or perhaps even sanity, in this community of carefully controlled chaos. To Tezuka, Yagyuu's silence means the vampire is finally so fed up with him that he has been disowned.
At some point during his journeys, sadness becomes frustration, which then turns into anger, because of Niou's irresponsible actions and his own devotion to the breaker, which still hasn't gone away completely, making him also angry at himself. Unable to take this out on anyone, Tezuka turns to the gym and works out this stress before it builds enough to kill him. But unlike many people who would show off their hard-earned muscles, Tezuka doesn't think much of them or try to show them to anyone, being modest in nature. He does not own any clothing that is particularly revealing or tight. In fact, his fitness is only a result of stress which he needs to work off, so he feels there is nothing to be proud of.
Sexually, Tezuka is nothing more than the average human man. It may seem that, because of his looks, he can have many lovers and he probably can, but he has only ever gone to bed with a few people. His experience is only moderate, and male lovers are few and far between. As he tries to find and define himself, it may be that he discovers the power of his sexuality and uses it to his advantage until he finds the balance.
Although confident on the outlook, Tezuka always feel socially inept, and stupid amongst groups of people. He speaks little both because he is indeed a little stoic, and that he worries he may accidentally say something stupid that may upset someone or make people laugh at him. He prefers smaller settings with those he is comfortable with - which /may/ actually include Fuji, because he has high respects for Fuji particularly after Fuji dealt with the matter on his attack by several vampires.
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Re: Ya know...
Date: 2005-04-20 03:42 pm (UTC)That or you've managed to skillfully implant one of your Pez-bots inside my head to poke me into thinking of you at consistent intervals of time until YOU WASH MY MEMORIES AWAY AND REFILL THEM WITH IMAGES OF TEZUKA NAKED. O____O
You're scary. ;-;