(no subject)
Jan. 30th, 2006 05:14 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
pezI seemed to have hit the bottom last Wednesday (sorry Hana, and thanks) and may be on the slow rebound, but don't put money on it just yet.
The days seem to blur together. Have been writing (temp title [Black Box]), but can't seem to get anything right. Cried a lot; took a day off work. Lost faith in people in general. Can't seem to summon niceness back to people who are nice to me. Lost expectations to everything. Did once wish people are more proactive, now just wish to be fine myself.
Was asked what's wrong. Couldn't say because 1) I was in the office toilet that time on the phone and would rather not discuss things at length and 2) just couldn't explain. Blurbed out random things that have been pissing me off instead. I don't how to properly explain it apart from say I heard those balcony gates rattling because I was shaking them with all my might and screaming at the top of my lungs. Can just never ever get over it. Every time I get left out of something or get left alone or people leave me unexplained or people shut me out, I just see that 22nd floor balcony and I go crazy. Should probably see a shrink. If the concept of it doesn't make me feel sicker than I am.
Meeting people is good though. Should do that more!
Around this time last year I lost two friends I held dear. One just pulled out of my life and the other branded me Miss Popular. I don't think I've gotten over that either.
The days seem to blur together. Have been writing (temp title [Black Box]), but can't seem to get anything right. Cried a lot; took a day off work. Lost faith in people in general. Can't seem to summon niceness back to people who are nice to me. Lost expectations to everything. Did once wish people are more proactive, now just wish to be fine myself.
Was asked what's wrong. Couldn't say because 1) I was in the office toilet that time on the phone and would rather not discuss things at length and 2) just couldn't explain. Blurbed out random things that have been pissing me off instead. I don't how to properly explain it apart from say I heard those balcony gates rattling because I was shaking them with all my might and screaming at the top of my lungs. Can just never ever get over it. Every time I get left out of something or get left alone or people leave me unexplained or people shut me out, I just see that 22nd floor balcony and I go crazy. Should probably see a shrink. If the concept of it doesn't make me feel sicker than I am.
Meeting people is good though. Should do that more!
Around this time last year I lost two friends I held dear. One just pulled out of my life and the other branded me Miss Popular. I don't think I've gotten over that either.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2006-01-30 06:03 pm (UTC)The only thing I can think of doing is planning to do something really, really fun in the middle of January next year, because this is the third or fourth year that Janary was HORROR for me (excepting last year), and I do not like it. I'll keep the possibility of Fun Thing (maybe t00bing or something) in mind and will bring it up again when the time for plannning is ripe. Personally, I think it's the only thing that could combat the almost inevitable post Christmas letdown.
no subject
Date: 2006-01-30 07:45 pm (UTC)Also, I think it's okay to freak out when you feel left alone like that. Very few people actually do manage to achieve the ability to not need other people, it's just against human nature.