(no subject)

[pez]

I don't think I explained all my reasons last night, so here is attempt #2 which hopefully will be more coherent because I'd actually slept.


I know I haven't been very clear on what I need from my friends. I'm very good at telling people that I'm fine, on journal or IM. Even on IM, it takes me a while, even with close friends, to start saying probably just half of what I really want to say. People tell me they want to call me and I want them to but I tell them not to anyway. I guard 'me' very closely to myself. It's something I'm trying to change, but right now I'm not finding that balance of how much I should share and how much I should hope to get back.

Last Sunday was a 'last straw', I have been feeling this way for a long while. But do I blame anyone? No. I know nobody has done anything wrong. I haven't been clear in explaining my needs; people treat their journals differently; there is enough drama on LJ to make people numb to cries for help; people have lives too hectic to fit me as part of it. What I want to tell people is that this journal is not just a fandom journal. I disable the comment feature if I don't want to hear anything or think it is not in anyone's place to comment on a particular post. When comments are not disabled then I don't mind/welcome to hear comments. There are cases when friends feel it is not in their place to comment on things, and I understand that too. I don't expect anyone, including those still remaining on my flist, to have responses to everything I say; I can't expect that from anyone. But I want to show that this journal has its serious side which I don't want to see ignored. I don't dish out personal drama at people like those some may see on LJ; I'm too old for that. I'm also too proud to do that. When I say that I need help (despite not being able to communicate that message across properly), I mean it.

It is difficult to explain why I defriended so many, even the people who are nice. I do have 2 very tight filters, so why the need to defriend? I don't really know. I think I want to be with people I am most comfortable with, right now. The last half year hasn't been good, I've been going down and down. As of last night, I've made plans to make some changes to my life so that I can pick myself up again. But I don't think I've seen the bottom of it yet. Until then, I don't think I should expect understanding and support from everybody. I also don't think I am good enough at the moment to be a friend to people; I have personal standards, I want to be able to treat people the way I want to treat them/want myself to be treated, which just isn't happening at the moment. I can't stretch myself any further, nor can I expect people to be good to me, the way I am at the moment. I just don't want to subject people to the bad side of me and expect them to accept it. I hope to have more of the good me and less of the bad me, in the foreseeable future, and the good me will require less time and maintenance from most of my old flist, who have their priorities right - RL first, family first. Online friends come after that. Did I just explain anything? I don't know, I think I'm just going in circles.

This journal is not going friends-only, because I am not cutting ties with people. I am not dumping my friends, for reasons I've tried to explain in the probably-foot-in-mouth paragraph above. I know I have been defriended by some friends already, and that's their choice. We probably never had much to say to each other, or I had annoyed them a lot in the past without knowing. But no matter what people may think of me, no matter how sometimes I say who and who is being stupid/ unreasonable/ imposing/ arrogant, I'd still rather be dumped than to be the dumper, unless I have been pushed too far.


What I've just said probably contradicts with what I said last night; I'm not going back to check. Hopefully both entries make sense. I'm trying to express myself but when it comes to things about me, I just can't seem to do it. Maybe that's why I love creative writing and roleplaying so much.

Over the next few weeks I will be directing people to these two posts, because I know some friends are away right now. I will check the earlier post and add friends back as appropriate. If you want to be back in please say so specifically. If you said you don't care, I will leave you out, because I don't know how else to respond.

Comments

[sharona1x2.livejournal.com]

Thanks for making things a little more clear. I understand what you mean about your LJ not being just about fandom. I have my LJ mostly about fandom, and it now makes it difficult to post anything that's personal. I can also understand why you'd want to share that kind of stuff with a smaller group.

I have to disagree with one thing, though. Maybe you can't expect support and understanding while you're going through a tough time, but it doesn't mean you shouldn't get that from people who read your LJ. No one can be pleasant all the time. Everyone has bad days. I don't think anyone will care less for you if you show that more than you have (if you get to the point where you're comfortable enough to do that).

To be honest, I find this kind of post easier to reply to. I'm sort of more into knowing the people on my flist than just their fandom interests. I'm not sure I'm saying anything helpful, but at least I can tell you I'm here and wishing you well. *hugs*

[mildlyinsane.livejournal.com]

just checked my flist after a really long time only to see this post... uhm. sorry? *patshugs* i've been pretty busy lately, and so only checking specific lj posts that people poke me to read.

I think I want to be with people I am most comfortable with, right now.

you know, that's really fine. everyone hits rough spots in their life, and it's really the best thing they can do for the moment, to shut down all the extraneous non-vital bits, so that they can just focus on surviving the next couple of days/weeks/months.

we haven't really talked, i don't think, other than a couple of lj-comment exchanges on crack-type subjects, so no worries if you don't really want to friend me back.

but as someone who's been reading your journal, who follows your fics, who knows you mostly through the fandom, i do care. i may not know you well enough to be able to help, or will always be around to respond/comment, but i'll try? in any case, like i said above, take the time to rest and recoup from everything. things will get better. *hugs*

[quatorze.livejournal.com]

I understand your feelings about LJ on many levels... I tend to treat mine primarily as a journal, and just don't like to read journals that are mostly/exclusively about some fandom - partly because I'm not really involved in any fandoms very deeply. Oh, and partly because for me it's important that there are at least flashes of the person, too.

I'm very bad at commenting, and it often irritates myself - it seems that there's always this time lag, that I'm online when others aren't. And by the time I'm there again, either most of the things I wanted to say have already been said many times over and I feel stupid to be just chiming in, or then I (stupidly?) think that the moment to comment has gone already. I guess I should work on that... *sigh*

Anyway, my flist has remained small because I want to be able to keep track of everybody. I don't want people to be just names in a list, I want to be able to look at a username and know at least something about the person. So, yeah, I do understand if you've pruned yours.

And the silence treatment really is the worst. I always try to tell myself "hey, think about time zones, and people being offline" and stuff, but sometimes it really gets to me. That's when I start thinking that I'm such a dork for whining in the first place... then remind myself that I have the right to whine in my own LJ... Uh, I guess the point I'm trying to make is that it's okay to be serious, too, and that when you decide to friend people and share some aspects of your life with them, it's okay to feel a bit hurt if it doesn't seem to interest them at all.

[ex-semishade366.livejournal.com]

It is difficult to explain why I defriended so many, even the people who are nice. I do have 2 very tight filters, so why the need to defriend?

More difficult to explain than understand possibly - or at least bearing in mind I did the exact same thing a few weeks ago. LJ shouldn't be a substitute for real life but when things are hard then the social aspects of LJ do become more important and it only makes you feel more isolated if you feel you're talking into a void. Which applies as much to the quirky fun posts as to the serious ones, incidentally. I discussed this (briefly) with scribblemoose when I was in York recently and she commented, very sagely, that it's very different posting to a small group of friends when you know that if they don't reply it's because they're off getting on with their lives, rather than because they're just not interested.

And was going to say more but just realised am late for next meeting. Rats!

[verily.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Not much else I can say because there are times when words, for me, just don't seem like they would be enough. So I'll just send you lots of hugs.

[myth720.livejournal.com]

i'm ashamed to say i never realized you were so distressed.. maybe i have selective attention.. i wish i could say something more useful, but the truth is, i'm probably not the kind of friend you need or would want now, i'm too much of an escapist and been trying to run from my own problems... that caught up with me really hard this weekend >__>
so i understand your feelings regarding the issue, and no hard feelings on my part. i never friended you for fandom posts, tho i enjoyed reading your posts fandom or not. i like you a lot as a person and i hope everything will work out for you and that you will feel better. and i wish you luck in your attempt to make your life better, i wish to follow your steps one day and dig myself out of this pit i fell into myself.

[shallowesque.livejournal.com]

I seem to have missed the post that started this in the first place, so I'm a bit confused. ^^; That said, I don't tend to comment on a lot of journals, including yours, just because I never know what to say and tend to think that people don't want me to (for some reason). If you'd like to add me back, that would be nice, but you don't have to; I'll keep reading your journal either way.

[ina]

I just recently noticed that I don't comment as often anymore since I write more in my own journal. It's probably due to the fact that the amount of time I spent on LJ stayed the same.
And it's only very recently that I can access from work again and I don't know how long it will stay that way. I don't think it will be long.
So when I am able to read you quite often made more than one post and then I am reluctant to comment to older posts.
I will keep in mind for the future not to be deterred by that.

I understand your feeling about not getting comments to important posts, especially if the funny ones are getting so many, but then commenting is so much easier to those.

[yoshi-6-6.livejournal.com]

I noticed that in one of your earlier posts, you said 'when people said something, they expect a response' (sth like that), I didn't know why you suddenly said that. I guess I know why now. I understood that you might not have been very happy, but until just now, I realised that you are actually quite distressed.

I am really quite busy since a few months ago. You must have noticed that I post less and less on both your and my LJ. And to be honest, I skipped most of your posts about RPs and manga/anime. However, I do read all the post about your RL, it's just that I didn't know how to reply or what to post. I felt that no matter what I said, it wouldn't help you much. Guess I was wrong since what you need is some kind of support??

Right, I don't want to guess why you are not happy, and don't expect you to tell/explain anyway (since you may not know why also). However, what I do notice is, whenever we find ourselves stuck at a point for a period of time, and don't feel happy, the best way is to change the way we live. Be it very small change. Do you do any sport? Perhaps you can try to take up/learn tennis or other sports that people play together (i.e. not gym/swimming). I haven't had much exercise recently and I found myself being quite negative about things. Sports help ^_^ Try to do some sports la~~

[genkischuldich.livejournal.com]

It's better that you feel comfortable and if you need to defriend people to feel 'right' on your own journal, that's completely understandable. Hope things start going your way soon.

I decided to keep you on my flist though. I hope that's okay? ^^;;

[lechaco.livejournal.com]

That is completely reasonable and I stand by you on that. :) I'm perfectly fine with how things are now. :DDD *hugs*

[mirichan.livejournal.com]

I don't read you for the fandom entries since we're not in the same ones. I read you for you... even when it's about work... and I do read them all but often don't have much to say so I say nothing...

I should try to say a bit, even if it's only so you know you (Quatorze is another one) are NOT speaking in a desert. People are reading you...

[mirichan.livejournal.com]

And I always read you... it's just that often I have nothing to bring to the table so I stay silent but you are NOT talking in a vacuum... I listen and me, a cat person, actually enjoy reading about your dogs and Foxy the little one and stuff... it's different and it's enlightening.