(no subject)
Apr. 25th, 2005 01:02 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
pezI don't think I explained all my reasons last night, so here is attempt #2 which hopefully will be more coherent because I'd actually slept.
I know I haven't been very clear on what I need from my friends. I'm very good at telling people that I'm fine, on journal or IM. Even on IM, it takes me a while, even with close friends, to start saying probably just half of what I really want to say. People tell me they want to call me and I want them to but I tell them not to anyway. I guard 'me' very closely to myself. It's something I'm trying to change, but right now I'm not finding that balance of how much I should share and how much I should hope to get back.
Last Sunday was a 'last straw', I have been feeling this way for a long while. But do I blame anyone? No. I know nobody has done anything wrong. I haven't been clear in explaining my needs; people treat their journals differently; there is enough drama on LJ to make people numb to cries for help; people have lives too hectic to fit me as part of it. What I want to tell people is that this journal is not just a fandom journal. I disable the comment feature if I don't want to hear anything or think it is not in anyone's place to comment on a particular post. When comments are not disabled then I don't mind/welcome to hear comments. There are cases when friends feel it is not in their place to comment on things, and I understand that too. I don't expect anyone, including those still remaining on my flist, to have responses to everything I say; I can't expect that from anyone. But I want to show that this journal has its serious side which I don't want to see ignored. I don't dish out personal drama at people like those some may see on LJ; I'm too old for that. I'm also too proud to do that. When I say that I need help (despite not being able to communicate that message across properly), I mean it.
It is difficult to explain why I defriended so many, even the people who are nice. I do have 2 very tight filters, so why the need to defriend? I don't really know. I think I want to be with people I am most comfortable with, right now. The last half year hasn't been good, I've been going down and down. As of last night, I've made plans to make some changes to my life so that I can pick myself up again. But I don't think I've seen the bottom of it yet. Until then, I don't think I should expect understanding and support from everybody. I also don't think I am good enough at the moment to be a friend to people; I have personal standards, I want to be able to treat people the way I want to treat them/want myself to be treated, which just isn't happening at the moment. I can't stretch myself any further, nor can I expect people to be good to me, the way I am at the moment. I just don't want to subject people to the bad side of me and expect them to accept it. I hope to have more of the good me and less of the bad me, in the foreseeable future, and the good me will require less time and maintenance from most of my old flist, who have their priorities right - RL first, family first. Online friends come after that. Did I just explain anything? I don't know, I think I'm just going in circles.
This journal is not going friends-only, because I am not cutting ties with people. I am not dumping my friends, for reasons I've tried to explain in the probably-foot-in-mouth paragraph above. I know I have been defriended by some friends already, and that's their choice. We probably never had much to say to each other, or I had annoyed them a lot in the past without knowing. But no matter what people may think of me, no matter how sometimes I say who and who is being stupid/ unreasonable/ imposing/ arrogant, I'd still rather be dumped than to be the dumper, unless I have been pushed too far.
What I've just said probably contradicts with what I said last night; I'm not going back to check. Hopefully both entries make sense. I'm trying to express myself but when it comes to things about me, I just can't seem to do it. Maybe that's why I love creative writing and roleplaying so much.
Over the next few weeks I will be directing people to these two posts, because I know some friends are away right now. I will check the earlier post and add friends back as appropriate. If you want to be back in please say so specifically. If you said you don't care, I will leave you out, because I don't know how else to respond.
I know I haven't been very clear on what I need from my friends. I'm very good at telling people that I'm fine, on journal or IM. Even on IM, it takes me a while, even with close friends, to start saying probably just half of what I really want to say. People tell me they want to call me and I want them to but I tell them not to anyway. I guard 'me' very closely to myself. It's something I'm trying to change, but right now I'm not finding that balance of how much I should share and how much I should hope to get back.
Last Sunday was a 'last straw', I have been feeling this way for a long while. But do I blame anyone? No. I know nobody has done anything wrong. I haven't been clear in explaining my needs; people treat their journals differently; there is enough drama on LJ to make people numb to cries for help; people have lives too hectic to fit me as part of it. What I want to tell people is that this journal is not just a fandom journal. I disable the comment feature if I don't want to hear anything or think it is not in anyone's place to comment on a particular post. When comments are not disabled then I don't mind/welcome to hear comments. There are cases when friends feel it is not in their place to comment on things, and I understand that too. I don't expect anyone, including those still remaining on my flist, to have responses to everything I say; I can't expect that from anyone. But I want to show that this journal has its serious side which I don't want to see ignored. I don't dish out personal drama at people like those some may see on LJ; I'm too old for that. I'm also too proud to do that. When I say that I need help (despite not being able to communicate that message across properly), I mean it.
It is difficult to explain why I defriended so many, even the people who are nice. I do have 2 very tight filters, so why the need to defriend? I don't really know. I think I want to be with people I am most comfortable with, right now. The last half year hasn't been good, I've been going down and down. As of last night, I've made plans to make some changes to my life so that I can pick myself up again. But I don't think I've seen the bottom of it yet. Until then, I don't think I should expect understanding and support from everybody. I also don't think I am good enough at the moment to be a friend to people; I have personal standards, I want to be able to treat people the way I want to treat them/want myself to be treated, which just isn't happening at the moment. I can't stretch myself any further, nor can I expect people to be good to me, the way I am at the moment. I just don't want to subject people to the bad side of me and expect them to accept it. I hope to have more of the good me and less of the bad me, in the foreseeable future, and the good me will require less time and maintenance from most of my old flist, who have their priorities right - RL first, family first. Online friends come after that. Did I just explain anything? I don't know, I think I'm just going in circles.
This journal is not going friends-only, because I am not cutting ties with people. I am not dumping my friends, for reasons I've tried to explain in the probably-foot-in-mouth paragraph above. I know I have been defriended by some friends already, and that's their choice. We probably never had much to say to each other, or I had annoyed them a lot in the past without knowing. But no matter what people may think of me, no matter how sometimes I say who and who is being stupid/ unreasonable/ imposing/ arrogant, I'd still rather be dumped than to be the dumper, unless I have been pushed too far.
What I've just said probably contradicts with what I said last night; I'm not going back to check. Hopefully both entries make sense. I'm trying to express myself but when it comes to things about me, I just can't seem to do it. Maybe that's why I love creative writing and roleplaying so much.
Over the next few weeks I will be directing people to these two posts, because I know some friends are away right now. I will check the earlier post and add friends back as appropriate. If you want to be back in please say so specifically. If you said you don't care, I will leave you out, because I don't know how else to respond.
