DNAngel fic
Feb. 2nd, 2004 12:00 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
pezJust suddenly feel like writing DNAngel ^^ This is ~1700 words, with spoilers to the anime. Feel free to leave feedback.
Satoshi
I can't remember anymore.
The feeling of joy, of being touched by love; of achievement, of being able to please, and being praised; of wanting to be a part of the world I'm in; of wanting to protect something, someone. I just can't remember now. I can't remember what it means to live - but perhaps I never knew anyway.
Isn't it strange how I can feel so inhuman, even when Krad isn't whispering temptations to me? He speaks of hatred, and love, and how happy my foster father will be if I give in to him. He is me and he knows my weaknesses. "Why do you fight me", he asks every time, "when I'm the answer to all your pain?"
And every time, I spit back at him. "You are the cause, not the cure."
"Oh, you really think so? But there is no way for you to be rid of me - so why don't you work with me, Satoshi-sama?"
He is responsible for taking away my humanity. Over the years, as I grew up, Krad was like an imaginary friend to me. I was born a quiet child, in love with art since a very young age. It's in my blood. Because of that, I had few friends, and out of them, Krad was the most precious to me. He was always there for me. We played together, we laughed together, inside my mind. It was as if I grew up with him.
My mother knew this. She knew who Krad was - she had to - and she always smiled gently when I told her about him. I didn't know if Krad was real, and I was always afraid that my mother would be upset over this, but the first time I told her, she just smiled and said "well why don't you tell Krad that..." as if he was really there.
In retrospect, I think she hoped that as I grew up I could neutralise Krad's greed with friendship.
But there never was friendship between him and I. I understood the moment he took over my body for the first time, and made me watch him kill my mother.
I never thought about his age, and had just simply assumed he was the same as me - a child. No, Krad was born and reborn many times. For many, many years he pretended to be my friend, when in fact he was just tolerating me, weakening me, waiting for his moment to strike. He thought his betrayal would be enough to shatter me, so that he could take over my body for good.
But it didn't work the way he wanted. Gaining strength from the hatred I felt, I was able to keep him inside of me. From then on, I learned the true story of my family from what my mother left behind, in case such a day should happen.
That seems so long ago already.
Later I was adopted by a very kind man, and I went with him overseas for several years, as he worked and I studied. I never gave up researching on my family, he wasn't interested but he didn't stop me. To him and the world I was just a child whose parents were dead and wanted to find out more about his roots. Yes, he was an ambitious man, But he gave me everything I wanted. He was very caring. It wasn't long until we became just like real father and son.
My foster father loved me.
Nobody will believe that now, not even his co-workers. People see through the act we put up, we know that and we still do it. They pretend they don't know and we pretend we don't know they know, because that keeps everyone smiling. This is the way of the world: don't mind other people's business. And who can blame them?
Sometimes Krad uses that though, telling me how the world is abandoning me. His tricks are old, but the effects are strong. He has spent many lifetimes picking away the sanity of his "master" - the word he uses to describe me, although we both know better - and he knows what works. As a final blow, he injected magic into something I painted, and it stole my foster father's soul. He became obsessed with art and its magical powers, and he became obsessed with me, the last remaining person in the Hikari family.
There's no need for me to tell the rest of the story about him, I guess.
From then on, I never painted unless I have to. In art classes in school, I have to be very careful, keeping Krad in check.
Do I hate Krad for it? I don't know. He was created by my ancestors, and he has suffered for so many years, without a real form. I don't know who has wronged who. He is desperate. I think perhaps I hate him for what he had done to my mother and my foster father. But I can't hate him for being inside of me.
And do I hate my foster father? How can I hate a man who loves me? Yes, he still does. I know. But the power of Hikari's art has got such a strong hold on him now, and I don't know how to turn him back. We don't live together now, because of my work on capturing Dark and going to school in this city, and it's also better for the both of us. I can't bear seeing him so changed.
When Hio died, she came to me and lingered for a moment. I will never forget what she said.
"You're so lucky, to be loved by your father so much..."
She saw it too. And I think she was created so that she could die in my place. The grip on my foster father's sanity grew so strong he became destructive. He killed her because she wasn't as useful as I was, and because he just didn't want to kill me. He couldn't do it. It was something even Krad didn't expect. After Hio's soul, which shone like a light in my room when she came, finally disappeared, Krad laughed coldly inside me, saying how glad he was that she was the one dead.
I can't say it didn't hurt, although she proved my foster father's love to me. It hurts me every time someone suffers because of me, directly or indirectly. I can't say how many times I thought about killing myself to end this curse, and then telling myself not to resort to that until the very end.
"You thought that was the end then, back there?"
"I'm not as optimistic a person as you are, Niwa."
Now Niwa and I sit, near the rubble of the destroyed museum, watching the sunrise. The Harada sisters have kindly backed away, letting us talk. We're all waiting for Niwa's family to come pick us up. Niwa is very sure that Towa-chan - I guess he means Towa no Shirube - will find us.
"I'm glad you didn't succeed." Niwa says.
"Me too." I nod. "Otherwise I wouldn't be able to see this sunrise. How beautiful. My hands are itching now. I want to paint this."
Niwa looks a bit offended. "Is that all? You're glad you're alive so that you can paint?"
I arch an eyebrow at him. It doesn't take long before both of us start to chuckle.
"Art is my life. From this point on I can paint freely, without having to worry about Krad. This is freedom I never imagined possible."
"I'm glad for you." Niwa smiles, although I catch a bitterness in it. Because I just reminded him that Dark will never return. "Hey, earlier... why did you talk about Krad and your father like they're still here? You used present tense and all..."
"Did I?" I close my eyes to think. I probably did. "I guess I'm not used to this new life. Like I said, I never thought this is possible." And I miss them. Yes, even Krad, if only just a little. But I'm sure this feeling will be gone soon.
Niwa ducks his head a little and smiles sheepishly. "And you know you said you don't know about love, or what it feels like to have someone you want to protect? But I think you do. Didn't you love your father? You tried to protect him by staying away from him. You protected everyone by fighting Krad."
I don't know what to say, so I shrug.
We can both hear a van stopping nearby. Very soon there are people calling for Niwa and the Harada sisters. Niwa's father is even calling my name. Niwa and I finally stand up, and he waves at his family. His mother rushes over and crushes him in her arms. She smiles at me and I nod in return, then she goes to gather the Harada sisters and brings them to the van.
"So, what now?" Niwa asks me as we walk carefully on the rubble.
"I don't know. I guess I'll try to live a little, though I don't know how. I never learned what it means to live."
Niwa trips and falls. I grab hold of him, make sure he's steady on his feet, and we walk on.
"Didn't you say that art is your life? You can start there."
I stop. Turning back, I can see that the sun has risen high now. A new day. "Perhaps." Niwa turns too, and for a moment we just stand there, using our hands to shield our eyes from the sun. "I think I'll start with this sunrise."
The Niwa family is getting impatient now, and they're sending Towa-chan to see what is taking us so long, so we turn and start walking again.
"Actually, I have one more question..."
I look at him and cock my head to a side slightly, waiting for it.
"What should I call you from now on? Hiwatari-kun, or Hikari-kun?"
Unable to stop myself, I laugh a bit and put an arm around his shoulders. It isn't something I normally do, and the Harada sisters, waiting for us outside the van, gasp in surprise. Niwa turns to me, and he smiles and nods when I reply.
"Satoshi. I think you can just call me Satoshi."
Satoshi
I can't remember anymore.
The feeling of joy, of being touched by love; of achievement, of being able to please, and being praised; of wanting to be a part of the world I'm in; of wanting to protect something, someone. I just can't remember now. I can't remember what it means to live - but perhaps I never knew anyway.
Isn't it strange how I can feel so inhuman, even when Krad isn't whispering temptations to me? He speaks of hatred, and love, and how happy my foster father will be if I give in to him. He is me and he knows my weaknesses. "Why do you fight me", he asks every time, "when I'm the answer to all your pain?"
And every time, I spit back at him. "You are the cause, not the cure."
"Oh, you really think so? But there is no way for you to be rid of me - so why don't you work with me, Satoshi-sama?"
He is responsible for taking away my humanity. Over the years, as I grew up, Krad was like an imaginary friend to me. I was born a quiet child, in love with art since a very young age. It's in my blood. Because of that, I had few friends, and out of them, Krad was the most precious to me. He was always there for me. We played together, we laughed together, inside my mind. It was as if I grew up with him.
My mother knew this. She knew who Krad was - she had to - and she always smiled gently when I told her about him. I didn't know if Krad was real, and I was always afraid that my mother would be upset over this, but the first time I told her, she just smiled and said "well why don't you tell Krad that..." as if he was really there.
In retrospect, I think she hoped that as I grew up I could neutralise Krad's greed with friendship.
But there never was friendship between him and I. I understood the moment he took over my body for the first time, and made me watch him kill my mother.
I never thought about his age, and had just simply assumed he was the same as me - a child. No, Krad was born and reborn many times. For many, many years he pretended to be my friend, when in fact he was just tolerating me, weakening me, waiting for his moment to strike. He thought his betrayal would be enough to shatter me, so that he could take over my body for good.
But it didn't work the way he wanted. Gaining strength from the hatred I felt, I was able to keep him inside of me. From then on, I learned the true story of my family from what my mother left behind, in case such a day should happen.
That seems so long ago already.
Later I was adopted by a very kind man, and I went with him overseas for several years, as he worked and I studied. I never gave up researching on my family, he wasn't interested but he didn't stop me. To him and the world I was just a child whose parents were dead and wanted to find out more about his roots. Yes, he was an ambitious man, But he gave me everything I wanted. He was very caring. It wasn't long until we became just like real father and son.
My foster father loved me.
Nobody will believe that now, not even his co-workers. People see through the act we put up, we know that and we still do it. They pretend they don't know and we pretend we don't know they know, because that keeps everyone smiling. This is the way of the world: don't mind other people's business. And who can blame them?
Sometimes Krad uses that though, telling me how the world is abandoning me. His tricks are old, but the effects are strong. He has spent many lifetimes picking away the sanity of his "master" - the word he uses to describe me, although we both know better - and he knows what works. As a final blow, he injected magic into something I painted, and it stole my foster father's soul. He became obsessed with art and its magical powers, and he became obsessed with me, the last remaining person in the Hikari family.
There's no need for me to tell the rest of the story about him, I guess.
From then on, I never painted unless I have to. In art classes in school, I have to be very careful, keeping Krad in check.
Do I hate Krad for it? I don't know. He was created by my ancestors, and he has suffered for so many years, without a real form. I don't know who has wronged who. He is desperate. I think perhaps I hate him for what he had done to my mother and my foster father. But I can't hate him for being inside of me.
And do I hate my foster father? How can I hate a man who loves me? Yes, he still does. I know. But the power of Hikari's art has got such a strong hold on him now, and I don't know how to turn him back. We don't live together now, because of my work on capturing Dark and going to school in this city, and it's also better for the both of us. I can't bear seeing him so changed.
When Hio died, she came to me and lingered for a moment. I will never forget what she said.
"You're so lucky, to be loved by your father so much..."
She saw it too. And I think she was created so that she could die in my place. The grip on my foster father's sanity grew so strong he became destructive. He killed her because she wasn't as useful as I was, and because he just didn't want to kill me. He couldn't do it. It was something even Krad didn't expect. After Hio's soul, which shone like a light in my room when she came, finally disappeared, Krad laughed coldly inside me, saying how glad he was that she was the one dead.
I can't say it didn't hurt, although she proved my foster father's love to me. It hurts me every time someone suffers because of me, directly or indirectly. I can't say how many times I thought about killing myself to end this curse, and then telling myself not to resort to that until the very end.
"You thought that was the end then, back there?"
"I'm not as optimistic a person as you are, Niwa."
Now Niwa and I sit, near the rubble of the destroyed museum, watching the sunrise. The Harada sisters have kindly backed away, letting us talk. We're all waiting for Niwa's family to come pick us up. Niwa is very sure that Towa-chan - I guess he means Towa no Shirube - will find us.
"I'm glad you didn't succeed." Niwa says.
"Me too." I nod. "Otherwise I wouldn't be able to see this sunrise. How beautiful. My hands are itching now. I want to paint this."
Niwa looks a bit offended. "Is that all? You're glad you're alive so that you can paint?"
I arch an eyebrow at him. It doesn't take long before both of us start to chuckle.
"Art is my life. From this point on I can paint freely, without having to worry about Krad. This is freedom I never imagined possible."
"I'm glad for you." Niwa smiles, although I catch a bitterness in it. Because I just reminded him that Dark will never return. "Hey, earlier... why did you talk about Krad and your father like they're still here? You used present tense and all..."
"Did I?" I close my eyes to think. I probably did. "I guess I'm not used to this new life. Like I said, I never thought this is possible." And I miss them. Yes, even Krad, if only just a little. But I'm sure this feeling will be gone soon.
Niwa ducks his head a little and smiles sheepishly. "And you know you said you don't know about love, or what it feels like to have someone you want to protect? But I think you do. Didn't you love your father? You tried to protect him by staying away from him. You protected everyone by fighting Krad."
I don't know what to say, so I shrug.
We can both hear a van stopping nearby. Very soon there are people calling for Niwa and the Harada sisters. Niwa's father is even calling my name. Niwa and I finally stand up, and he waves at his family. His mother rushes over and crushes him in her arms. She smiles at me and I nod in return, then she goes to gather the Harada sisters and brings them to the van.
"So, what now?" Niwa asks me as we walk carefully on the rubble.
"I don't know. I guess I'll try to live a little, though I don't know how. I never learned what it means to live."
Niwa trips and falls. I grab hold of him, make sure he's steady on his feet, and we walk on.
"Didn't you say that art is your life? You can start there."
I stop. Turning back, I can see that the sun has risen high now. A new day. "Perhaps." Niwa turns too, and for a moment we just stand there, using our hands to shield our eyes from the sun. "I think I'll start with this sunrise."
The Niwa family is getting impatient now, and they're sending Towa-chan to see what is taking us so long, so we turn and start walking again.
"Actually, I have one more question..."
I look at him and cock my head to a side slightly, waiting for it.
"What should I call you from now on? Hiwatari-kun, or Hikari-kun?"
Unable to stop myself, I laugh a bit and put an arm around his shoulders. It isn't something I normally do, and the Harada sisters, waiting for us outside the van, gasp in surprise. Niwa turns to me, and he smiles and nods when I reply.
"Satoshi. I think you can just call me Satoshi."
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Re:
Date: 2004-02-02 07:58 pm (UTC)Re:
Date: 2004-02-02 08:04 pm (UTC)Re:
Date: 2004-02-02 08:21 pm (UTC)Re:
Date: 2004-02-02 08:27 pm (UTC)The manga is *really* good. I started reading it since it first came out, which was quite a few years ago. So I was really, really happy when it got made into anime - with Okiayu in it XD