Commentary on [When You Gonna Learn]
Jan. 25th, 2004 03:58 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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chibimora ^^
[When You Gonna Learn] was written in October 1999. (Yes, it's a long time ago! I've been in the fandom for that long already!) It's a fic that I liked a lot, because it was well-received and from it I got my very first review from *the* author that got me into fanfiction. But contrary to public belief, it's not my favourite. My favourite is [Red Sea]. But without [WYGL] I probably wouldn't have written [Red Sea]...
[WYGL] was something I came up with when I was really, really bored, on a 12+ hour plane journey back to school after the summer holidays. It's the result of me really wanting to write something "friendship" about Youji and Aya, them being my favourite characters at the time (and they still hold a special place in my heart now). The very initial idea was "let's have the ex-PI go undercover!". I've forgotten most of the basics now, but I think my train of thought then went something like this:
- Youji goes undercover (I threw Kritiker out the window!)
- His friend can't know about this, otherwise the fic will be boring.
- Which means his friends think he betrayed them.
- Not all his friends think this, otherwise they'll all be yelling bloody murder and there's nothing to write. Of all the teammates, Aya is the last to get into Weiss, and the most anti-social, so he is the only one yelling bloody murder. The others are close with Youji and they hold their suspicions.
- Omi and Ken try to calm Aya, but Aya doesn't have the faith the other two have. Aya is too realistic a person, and often skeptical about everything. He doesn't believe in anything. And the others can't find any evidence to support any of their theories about Youji's betrayal. They don't know what to do with Aya.
- At the same time, on Youji's side, he finds working on his own increasinly difficult...
... And so on. It's funny how something can become so dull when you pull it apart XD
Research was minimal. I put Youji in Shinjuku because that's one of the places in Tokyo I've been to, I remember some of the streets and alleys, thinking that those were the best places for hiding and for... something bad to grow. It's hard to describe the feelings I got. There were huge department stores, lots of tourists, an underground station, and lots of food and shopping, but then there were these places... they feel like they're on a different dimension, something that don't belong.
I knew little about drugs. I looked it up in the school library and on the Internet, but that's all. And I never intended to go deep into it - I wasn't going to make a fool of myself writing something that I'm not familiar with but loads of other people know. I stayed out of the technicalities, side effects etc because of that, and also that isn't what the story is about.
I can't remember most of what I was thinking when I wrote this fic. Some thoughts I jotted down in the "afterword" part, but the others are gone. It's just too long ago. My favourite parts are Ken's "death scene", and the times when Youji speaks with his neighbour and the girl who waited forever for love.
Ken?
The front wheel of the motorcycle slowed, then it eventually stopped. The headlight was smashed, flashing, shining onto Ken, who lay on his side, next to the broken piece of metal which he fell from. The snowing didn't stop, but the rough winds stilled when I saw him, as if time itself stood still. At the same time, the flashing ticked away the seconds, reminding me time would not wait.
Ken?
The blood was black. Blackness pooled from his leg and two holes on his upper body, soaking into the snow. Black snow. I stepped into it, crouched down, and touched his face. He responded to my touch, his lips quivered, mumbled something, then he choked and coughed, and blackness poured from his lips as well.
No. Please stay. I'll get you a bowl full of red kidney beans in Pizza Hut. I promise not to throw food at you again. Please don't go.
The dark irises moved, his eyes focused and found mine. He smiled, black blood brimming his lips, then he cleared his throat and spoke.
"I... I told you I'd see... see you tomorrow... I'm early..."
I wiped the mist from my eyes, then did it for him too. Our tears would do nothing, we didn't need them.
"Yeah... let's have pizza tonight shall we?"
"You pay."
"I pay."
I hoped he didn't notice the tears in my voice. His smile got broader, so did the pool of frozen blackness around us. His gaze on me gradually became diffused.
"... I'm cold..."
Biting back my sob, I unzipped my jacket, yanking it off my body despite my broken arm. With one hand I held it, looking up from the jacket at him again.
Ken?
He was no longer looking at me. His head was against the black snow, his smile was gone. The blackness still ran from the lips, down his chin, onto the snow. I placed my jacket over him, then I reached out, and touched his face again. He didn't move.
... Ken?
It realises Youji's ultimate fear. Throughout the story Youji grows increasingly desperate, and he fights to keep his hysteria down. As the story progresses Youji admits he is afraid, fearing lonliness and death. But he can throw his life away protecting Aya from a hand grenade because nothing could compare with the death of a friend. There is nothing more important than friendship to him, which is all that he has. He stays sane because he tells himself there are these people out there, his friends, who needs his support. His rational side tells him his friends were gone, but he holds on to hope.
Youji watched the frail form of the girl leave until she turned around the corner, and realised that they were somewhat alike. Silly people they were, knew what they were doing, knew all hope was gone but still, waited, and waited, and waited, for a door that would never open, for love that would never return. Suddenly he had an urge to tell the girl to give up, that the punk brings back a different woman to his place every night, but he didn't do it. It would be too cruel for her. But letting her wait here every night in such dangerous places was cruelty itself.
He reflects on his love for Asuka, and where he stands with his friends. The girl is a reflection of himself, hoping beyond hope. He wants to give up, but he can't tell himself that. He's too scared that it'd hurt more than waiting forever.
I leaned against the wall just outside my hiding and watched her. She was probably seventeen, at most eighteen, with single-lidded eyes, thin brows and lips, and honey-coloured skin. She took a look at me, then looked at her feet and smiled.
"I'm stupid, aren't I?"
"Not stupid, just a little silly." I smiled too, but looked up instead of down, at the old lamp above with hundreds of tiny dead insects in the glass case. Little black flying things were whizzing around it. "Take a look at this lamp. These bugs love the light so much they fly right into it and get killed. Silly, but at least they die happy. Not many of us do."
The girl smiled again at my words. I wondered if I was the only person that didn't call her stupid. But who would know the heartache, the will to continue to wait, unless one had been driven crazy by it?
Suddenly I felt like having coffee. I opened my door and got out two cans of UCC coffee - cold but that would have to do - and tossed one over to her. She looked just like the average coffee drinker, and I was right, she thanked me with a nod and opened the can.
"How long will you be waiting for?" I asked her, gulping down the caffeine into my bloodstream.
"Until he comes back."
"If he doesn't?"
"Keep waiting, and pray that I'll die happy."
Again, the theme of hope. Youji thinks he has given up a lot of things long ago: the possibility of finding love ever again, the chance of being forgiven by his friends, or meeting them after this job (part 3: It was, afterall, our Last Supper together). But Aya has pointed out in the beginning that Youji is deceiving himself all along, trying to find Asuka's shadow in another woman. What the girl says to him about wanting to die happy rings in Youji's soul - he has been hoping all along. It's probably what Youji's lif is built on.
Youji needs to be needed. He believes in himself because the others do. He goes on by knowing that his friends need him. When he sees Omi in parts 5/6 (See, he can do perfectly well without you), he becomes confused - he is glad that Omi can go on without him, and at the same time very upset that his absence seems to have made little impact on the boy. He no longer knows what he wants.
I just wanted to be with somebody. I didn't want to be alone. I didn't want to be forgotten. And no, I didn't want them to hate me. I lied. Would they understand? Would they know me, the real Kudou Youji underneath, enough to still believe in me?
Eventually, when he realises that Ken and Omi are trying to find him again, and he sees their message to Persia (part 9: to us he is still a part of Weiss and to have him put to death means we are no longer complete), Youji finds strength and hope again. From that point on his mind starts to clear. He begins to think he might have a chance to go back (end of part 9), and even being punched by Aya outside the flowershop is something that makes him happy since that shows Aya still cares. The punk tells him that life usually doesn't work that way, not many people get happy endings, but witnessing the girl finally getting what she wants is enough proof to him that he still has a chance. When Ken is shot at on his motorbike and Youji himself is captured, he can still tell himself that his friends are okay and they will go find him (parts 11/12).
Does any of this make sense? I hope it hasn't been too boring reading this ^^" Feel free to ask more questions if I confused you along the way. I still find it quite funny that the first fic I wrote for this fandom, when I was 17, is still the most well-received one out of all that I've written XD Not that I'm complaining.
chibimora ^^[When You Gonna Learn] was written in October 1999. (Yes, it's a long time ago! I've been in the fandom for that long already!) It's a fic that I liked a lot, because it was well-received and from it I got my very first review from *the* author that got me into fanfiction. But contrary to public belief, it's not my favourite. My favourite is [Red Sea]. But without [WYGL] I probably wouldn't have written [Red Sea]...
[WYGL] was something I came up with when I was really, really bored, on a 12+ hour plane journey back to school after the summer holidays. It's the result of me really wanting to write something "friendship" about Youji and Aya, them being my favourite characters at the time (and they still hold a special place in my heart now). The very initial idea was "let's have the ex-PI go undercover!". I've forgotten most of the basics now, but I think my train of thought then went something like this:
- Youji goes undercover (I threw Kritiker out the window!)
- His friend can't know about this, otherwise the fic will be boring.
- Which means his friends think he betrayed them.
- Not all his friends think this, otherwise they'll all be yelling bloody murder and there's nothing to write. Of all the teammates, Aya is the last to get into Weiss, and the most anti-social, so he is the only one yelling bloody murder. The others are close with Youji and they hold their suspicions.
- Omi and Ken try to calm Aya, but Aya doesn't have the faith the other two have. Aya is too realistic a person, and often skeptical about everything. He doesn't believe in anything. And the others can't find any evidence to support any of their theories about Youji's betrayal. They don't know what to do with Aya.
- At the same time, on Youji's side, he finds working on his own increasinly difficult...
... And so on. It's funny how something can become so dull when you pull it apart XD
Research was minimal. I put Youji in Shinjuku because that's one of the places in Tokyo I've been to, I remember some of the streets and alleys, thinking that those were the best places for hiding and for... something bad to grow. It's hard to describe the feelings I got. There were huge department stores, lots of tourists, an underground station, and lots of food and shopping, but then there were these places... they feel like they're on a different dimension, something that don't belong.
I knew little about drugs. I looked it up in the school library and on the Internet, but that's all. And I never intended to go deep into it - I wasn't going to make a fool of myself writing something that I'm not familiar with but loads of other people know. I stayed out of the technicalities, side effects etc because of that, and also that isn't what the story is about.
I can't remember most of what I was thinking when I wrote this fic. Some thoughts I jotted down in the "afterword" part, but the others are gone. It's just too long ago. My favourite parts are Ken's "death scene", and the times when Youji speaks with his neighbour and the girl who waited forever for love.
Ken?
The front wheel of the motorcycle slowed, then it eventually stopped. The headlight was smashed, flashing, shining onto Ken, who lay on his side, next to the broken piece of metal which he fell from. The snowing didn't stop, but the rough winds stilled when I saw him, as if time itself stood still. At the same time, the flashing ticked away the seconds, reminding me time would not wait.
Ken?
The blood was black. Blackness pooled from his leg and two holes on his upper body, soaking into the snow. Black snow. I stepped into it, crouched down, and touched his face. He responded to my touch, his lips quivered, mumbled something, then he choked and coughed, and blackness poured from his lips as well.
No. Please stay. I'll get you a bowl full of red kidney beans in Pizza Hut. I promise not to throw food at you again. Please don't go.
The dark irises moved, his eyes focused and found mine. He smiled, black blood brimming his lips, then he cleared his throat and spoke.
"I... I told you I'd see... see you tomorrow... I'm early..."
I wiped the mist from my eyes, then did it for him too. Our tears would do nothing, we didn't need them.
"Yeah... let's have pizza tonight shall we?"
"You pay."
"I pay."
I hoped he didn't notice the tears in my voice. His smile got broader, so did the pool of frozen blackness around us. His gaze on me gradually became diffused.
"... I'm cold..."
Biting back my sob, I unzipped my jacket, yanking it off my body despite my broken arm. With one hand I held it, looking up from the jacket at him again.
Ken?
He was no longer looking at me. His head was against the black snow, his smile was gone. The blackness still ran from the lips, down his chin, onto the snow. I placed my jacket over him, then I reached out, and touched his face again. He didn't move.
... Ken?
It realises Youji's ultimate fear. Throughout the story Youji grows increasingly desperate, and he fights to keep his hysteria down. As the story progresses Youji admits he is afraid, fearing lonliness and death. But he can throw his life away protecting Aya from a hand grenade because nothing could compare with the death of a friend. There is nothing more important than friendship to him, which is all that he has. He stays sane because he tells himself there are these people out there, his friends, who needs his support. His rational side tells him his friends were gone, but he holds on to hope.
Youji watched the frail form of the girl leave until she turned around the corner, and realised that they were somewhat alike. Silly people they were, knew what they were doing, knew all hope was gone but still, waited, and waited, and waited, for a door that would never open, for love that would never return. Suddenly he had an urge to tell the girl to give up, that the punk brings back a different woman to his place every night, but he didn't do it. It would be too cruel for her. But letting her wait here every night in such dangerous places was cruelty itself.
He reflects on his love for Asuka, and where he stands with his friends. The girl is a reflection of himself, hoping beyond hope. He wants to give up, but he can't tell himself that. He's too scared that it'd hurt more than waiting forever.
I leaned against the wall just outside my hiding and watched her. She was probably seventeen, at most eighteen, with single-lidded eyes, thin brows and lips, and honey-coloured skin. She took a look at me, then looked at her feet and smiled.
"I'm stupid, aren't I?"
"Not stupid, just a little silly." I smiled too, but looked up instead of down, at the old lamp above with hundreds of tiny dead insects in the glass case. Little black flying things were whizzing around it. "Take a look at this lamp. These bugs love the light so much they fly right into it and get killed. Silly, but at least they die happy. Not many of us do."
The girl smiled again at my words. I wondered if I was the only person that didn't call her stupid. But who would know the heartache, the will to continue to wait, unless one had been driven crazy by it?
Suddenly I felt like having coffee. I opened my door and got out two cans of UCC coffee - cold but that would have to do - and tossed one over to her. She looked just like the average coffee drinker, and I was right, she thanked me with a nod and opened the can.
"How long will you be waiting for?" I asked her, gulping down the caffeine into my bloodstream.
"Until he comes back."
"If he doesn't?"
"Keep waiting, and pray that I'll die happy."
Again, the theme of hope. Youji thinks he has given up a lot of things long ago: the possibility of finding love ever again, the chance of being forgiven by his friends, or meeting them after this job (part 3: It was, afterall, our Last Supper together). But Aya has pointed out in the beginning that Youji is deceiving himself all along, trying to find Asuka's shadow in another woman. What the girl says to him about wanting to die happy rings in Youji's soul - he has been hoping all along. It's probably what Youji's lif is built on.
Youji needs to be needed. He believes in himself because the others do. He goes on by knowing that his friends need him. When he sees Omi in parts 5/6 (See, he can do perfectly well without you), he becomes confused - he is glad that Omi can go on without him, and at the same time very upset that his absence seems to have made little impact on the boy. He no longer knows what he wants.
I just wanted to be with somebody. I didn't want to be alone. I didn't want to be forgotten. And no, I didn't want them to hate me. I lied. Would they understand? Would they know me, the real Kudou Youji underneath, enough to still believe in me?
Eventually, when he realises that Ken and Omi are trying to find him again, and he sees their message to Persia (part 9: to us he is still a part of Weiss and to have him put to death means we are no longer complete), Youji finds strength and hope again. From that point on his mind starts to clear. He begins to think he might have a chance to go back (end of part 9), and even being punched by Aya outside the flowershop is something that makes him happy since that shows Aya still cares. The punk tells him that life usually doesn't work that way, not many people get happy endings, but witnessing the girl finally getting what she wants is enough proof to him that he still has a chance. When Ken is shot at on his motorbike and Youji himself is captured, he can still tell himself that his friends are okay and they will go find him (parts 11/12).
Does any of this make sense? I hope it hasn't been too boring reading this ^^" Feel free to ask more questions if I confused you along the way. I still find it quite funny that the first fic I wrote for this fandom, when I was 17, is still the most well-received one out of all that I've written XD Not that I'm complaining.
